About Birth

Our Conception story
by Jessica Miller

Rod, Grayden and Jessica Miller

So...I'm a new mom to a beautiful baby boy. (I'm a little biased, but I think he's the cutest thing I've ever laid eyes on) I'll say it again.  I'm a mom.  Those words still sometimes don't seem like they should be coming out of my mouth.  You see, it took a while for this little guy to get here.  Until a short time ago I thought my life would be much different than it is right now.  Up until just recently I was enjoying the life that my husband and I were living.  It was just the two of us.  It had been just us for a long time.  This past Easter we celebrated our 12th anniversary.  Twelve years of joy, laughter (lots of laughter), ups, downs, highs, lows...you name it, we've probably weathered something similar.  Twelve years of growing closer to God and each other.

As is the case with a lot of married couples, we started out with stars in our eyes and big ideas.  I still remember my husband telling me (on our 1st date, I might add) that he wanted to have all his kids (his ideal number was 4) by the time he was 30.  He was 24 at the time.  I did the math. :)  I always knew I wanted to be a mom and grew up loving babies.  So when I heard he wanted kids and wanted them soon, it didn't make me want to turn and run.  After we got married we didn't really talk about when and how we were going to have kids, we just figured it would happen when the time was right.  And happen it did.  Nine months after we were married, the test read positive.  O MY GOODNESS.  Was I really pregnant?  What?  My husband was elated. :)  If you were to say I was a little freaked out, you would be correct.  After the initial shock wore off, I saw my nurse practitioner.  She confirmed that I indeed was pregnant and that we should be expecting a little one in October and I was far enough along that I was able to hear baby's heartbeat.  We scheduled my next appointment and off I went. 

After I stopped being freaked out, I got excited.  I remember telling family and friends that we were expecting and then promptly stockpiling various baby clothes.  (of course)  About a week after my appointment I got a call from the Dr's office saying that my lab work showed a low level of progesterone so they wanted to get me on a supplement to bring it up.  No big deal.  I did as I was instructed.  My next appointment happened to fall right around our 1st anniversary, so my husband and I decided to go to the appointment together.  We went to the appointment anticipating hearing that little heartbeat again.  But that wasn't going to be the case this time.  The techs searched and searched.  And then the nurse practitioner came in to check.  Nothing.  The ultrasound showed no growth.  No heartbeat.  Nothing.  I felt numb.  To this day, I don't remember anything that happened after that.  I don't think I really cried until we got home.  I remember laying in the bed in our spare room, amidst all the things I had bought for the baby, reading the brochure that was sent home with us....wondering if it was something I did.  Was it because I had dyed my hair before I knew I was pregnant?  Had I lifted something too heavy?  Had I eaten something I shouldn't have?  I was clueless and broken.  I didn't know that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage.  I didn't know a lot of things.  Like I said, I was clueless.  After a DNC and some recovery time, I was told that we could always try again.  At my last follow up appointment, the one thing that I kept hearing was at least I knew I could get pregnant...that's usually the hard part.  If there was ANY consolation to what we had just been through, I guess it was that.  We would get pregnant again.

Only we didn't.

It didn't happen.

Despite our prayers, medications, herbs, and everything else in between.

It didn't.

When I said earlier that our marriage has had highs and lows...I wasn't being cliché.  I know what it's like to grieve a dream.  I know what it's like to be so sad that you can't get out of bed.  I know what it's like to bargain with God.  I know what it's like to feel incomplete.  I know what it's like to feel less than.  I know what it's like to feel pitied.  I know what it's like to feel defeated.  I know.

I also know those feelings don't have to last forever.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 says...

"For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.  A time to be born and a time to die.  A time to plant and a time to harvest.  A time to kill and a time to heal.  A time to tear down and a time to build up.  A time to cry and a time to laugh.  A time to grieve and a time to dance.  A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.  A time to embrace and a time to turn away.  A time to search and a time to quit searching.  A time to keep and a time to throw away.  A time to tear and a time to mend.  A time to be quiet and a time to speak.  A time to love and a time to hate.  A time for war and a time for peace."

God's word is truth.  It's the one thing that has carried my husband and I through our journey with infertility.  I remember coming to a point where I felt delivered from my grief.  I had to come to an understanding of God's full love for me and once that love was realized, I knew that I was whole in Him.  No longer did I feel less than or incomplete.  I was whole in Him.  I was going to love Him no matter what.  I knew He was good in all circumstances.  I was able to stop being devastated by the fact that we weren't able to conceive.  I stopped letting that part of my life define me.  I was free in Christ.

Through it all we never stopped praying for a child.  In my desire to become a mother I never gave up hope.  I knew anything was possible.

In early 2011 I embarked on a journey to get healthy and grow closer to the Lord.  It was an amazing time of learning to trust God with my physical body.  After our miscarriage and over the last 10 years, I have dealt with hormone issues and my prayer last year was that God would heal me.  And to His glory, He did!!  I remember the time when I knew I was healed.  I didn't feel any crazy sensation or anything - I just came to a knowledge that God had done it.  I knew it to the very core of my being.

On July 7th, the extent of that healing was realized.  As I sat and read the word on the stick, I was dumbfounded.  Was I seeing what I was seeing?  Did it say what I think it said?  No.  Really?  No.  Really?  Lord, this better not be a trick! :)  After 6 tests and a visit to my midwife it was confirmed.  I was pregnant.

Rod and Jessica Miller

I still get a few butterflies when I think back to that moment when I read the word "pregnant" on that test.  It was incredibly surreal.  So much so, that it took a while for me to believe it. :)  But God is always faithful.  He carried me through a healthy pregnancy and delivery (maybe a post on this later) of that beautiful baby boy I mentioned at the top of this post.  I still sometimes can't believe I'm a mom. I look down at this little miracle of a boy and know that God has big things in store for this kid.  He is a true testament to the glory of God.  When all else fails, God prevails.  Nothing happens out of His time.  To everything there is a season.

Even in the joy of my desire fulfilled, I know that there are many that are still waiting for their miracle.  I encourage each of you to never give up on the desires of your heart.  Don't let them define you or make them bigger than God in your heart, but never stop believing that they're possible.  Keep praying.  Know that you are complete in the waiting.  You are not a less than.  You are not defeated.  You are whole.  You are complete in Christ.  He loves you with the fullness of His everlasting love.

Precious little Grayden and his grateful mother, Jessica Miller

One of the many promises I cling to in the waiting....

Isaiah 40:31
"But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles.
They shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint."