Dear Charis family,

Below is a letter I wrote to our new baby girl and it includes her birth story so I thought I would share it with you. I hope it blesses your heart.

Love, Shiloah’s Mommy

Sweet baby Shiloah Lee,

You’ve been with us now for a little over a week, but I feel as though I’ve loved you all my life. You have joined our family with such ease and familiarity, it’s clear that you’ve simply entered the space in our family, lives, and hearts that God has had reserved for you since the beginning of time. Life without you is already unfathomable and we all love and adore you with all our beings.

Your siblings can’t get enough of you and fight over who gets to hold you next. Amariah loves to sing to you and her sweet songs instantly calm you without fail. Daddy loves to sing to you, too, and you love to stare at each other for a long long time. He loves that you so clearly know him and love him and I know God answered my prayer when I asked him to make you a Daddy’s girl. Ezriel wants to hold you all the time and loves commenting on how adorable your little outfits are. Yesterday when I told Adali she couldn’t hold you because I needed to nurse you, she put on her best pout pout face and said, “Blub, blub, bluuuuub.” I laughed so hard, and as I see her little personality continue to evolve and be revealed, I get so excited to learn more about who you are, too.

However, there’s so much I already know about you, even though you’re still so new and tiny to the outside world. But I’ve already been getting to know you for many many months! I’ve always believed in my Spirit that you would be a sweet, easy, peaceful baby, but that buried deep under all the tranquility is the heart of a lioness that I know the Lord will call upon to do great exploits for Him and the advancement of His purposes. That’s why when I read your name, “Shiloah” in Isaiah 8, I knew that was exactly who I was carrying within me. It was before we even knew you were a girl, but I knew this name described you – “The waters of Shiloh that flow gently…and it will rise over all its channels and go over all its banks, and it will sweep on into Judah, it will overflow and pass on, reaching even the neck, and it’s outspread wings will fill the breadth of your Land, O Immanuel.” That immediately became my prayer for you – that you will by an unstoppable force when it comes to carrying out the will of God, but there will still be a sweet, beautiful gentleness you possess.

So far, you are the exact manifestation of your name. It means, “The one who belongs; bringer of peace and prosperity; tranquility; rest; safe; secure; His descendant.” We gave you the middle name Lee, just like mine and like your Great-grandpa Bill. In different languages Lee means, “lion; poet; healer.” Daddy and I went back and forth for a long time about your middle name, almost up to the day you arrived! But when I researched the meaning of “Lee” we both knew that was you too. And surely, you have brought such healing and peace to our hearts, our home, and our family. We celebrate you as our sweet little rainbow baby because of your precious sibling who went home to Jesus’ arms before you came along. Around your due date we girls painted our nails rainbow colors, and made rainbow decorations and rainbow cupcakes. Because just like a breathtaking rainbow appears in the sky after a dark and violent storm, you are God’s reminder to us that He keeps His promises – the greatest of all being His precious Salvation and the hope that no matter what, He is ALWAYS good and He is ALWAYS love. And it is my most fervent prayer for you and for all your siblings that you will be like Noah – righteous and blameless in your generation. That you will walk with God and stand apart no matter what the rest of the crazy world is doing and no matter where they get their standards for right and wrong.

Your pregnancy was my most challenging. I was very sick in the beginning and very exhausted for the rest. It was frustrating that I wasn’t the unending spring of energy that I usually am, even in pregnancy. But it was also a good season of learning to be wise and to let go and rest when I needed to. I had a LOT of early labor with you. I started having Braxton hicks contractions while still in my first trimester and they got more intense and frequent the further along we got. At 33 weeks I was SURE my waters ruptured, and I’m still not convinced that they didn’t and God did a miracle and sealed them back up, but either way, our pregnancy marched on. Because I was having such frequent contractions I convinced myself you’d come early – which ended up being a HUGE mistake. I was so sure you’d come around the end of May, but May faded into June and day after day went by. And so even though you actually probably arrived just 3 days after your due date, to me it literally felt like you were 3 WEEKS “late.” A few nights I had really intense, consistent contractions for several hours, but it would always eventually fizzle out. A possible due date was June 10th and on June 9th I had the most intense labor yet. I was SURE things would pick up again on the night of the 10th and you would share a birthday with both your grammy AND your brother, so we sent the guys away for the night and got ready, but NOTHING happened. I was so discouraged, and as days kept passing I felt the pressure of all the people awaiting your arrival and the embarrassment of all the times I’d thought I was in labor but wasn’t. I started to feel so disoriented and like I was a labor-chondriac! There I was, mother of 4, doula, and midwifery student, and I can’t recognize real labor?! I struggled with maintaining a positive and thankful attitude and I was SO physically uncomfortable. Things that helped were when my friend Amy told me she was praying for grace for me to wait with purpose. That hit me hard. And then chatting with a friend whose baby had come dangerously early and remembering how I cried when I thought my waters ruptured at 33 weeks and how many times I was scared you would come too early too. It was hard to indulge in self-pity after that.

Auntie Hannah arrived on June 12th and I couldn’t believe I was going to get her at the airport. We’d all fully expected her to arrive to find me snuggling you in bed. We had a sweet couple days together, going on adventures and trying to keep my mind and body busy and distracted from the fact we weren’t in labor yet. In hindsight I’m so thankful we had those special days spending time together before you arrived and I was confined to bed, and that you came once Auntie Hannah and Isaiah were completely over jet lag. But not knowing how things would unfold (or rather I should say, not trusting the sovereignty and goodness and wisdom of God like I should have) I started to panic as the time for Auntie Hannah’s departure was getting closer and closer, which meant less and less time for her to be here to help me after your birth. You’d also become much less active, which was scary for me because you’d been SOOO active the entire pregnancy! Now I know you were just so big there was no room for you to move much, but it definitely added to my sense of urgency to have you this side of the womb.

On June 16th, our last possible due date (and the most accurate – though I refused to admit it the entire pregnancy), I decided to take castor oil. But it took a few hours to kick in and it started to get late so Auntie Hannah went to bed. Almost immediately after she went upstairs the power went out. I suddenly felt extremely irritable had a panicky sense that I needed to go to bed too, and so I left everything I was doing undone, took your siblings straight to bed, and crawled into bed myself. At around 2 a.m. the castor oil took affect and I woke up and ran to the bathroom. I was having intense contractions 1-4 minutes apart and I was terrified I’d give birth right there in the bathroom all by myself in the dark because the power was still out and the castor oil had me stuck there, unable to get anyone to come help. Finally I was able to get to my phone and I prayed that Daddy’s phone would be on AND not on silent so that he would see me calling – both usually highly unlikely at that time of night. But miracle of miracles he answered! He was working in his office and all I could do was ask him to come right away. Thankfully he was there in a flash. I told him I thought this was it and asked him to bring the birth ball and some water. I continued to labor and we debated calling the midwife Lucy and Uncle Ray to come to take the three men currently living with us to his house so we could have privacy for your arrival. I wanted to be SURE you were really coming because I’d been embarrassed by so many false alarms already and by then it was around 3 a.m. and I would have felt horrible waking every one up and moving them around for nothing!

The power was still out and we realized that Daddy’s phone had died. I realized mine was about to die too, so when I had a really strong contraction I texted the midwife telling her what was happening, but I didn’t send it right away because I was still hesitant. I went to the bathroom again and realized the water tank for the whole house was empty so we had no running water! And with no power we couldn’t pump more in! So now we had no power, no water, no cell phones, the consequences of castor oil with no ability to flush, and a possible birth about to take place. I know millions of women all over the world give birth in that kind of scenario – I’ve attended MANY of them! But we were not set up or prepared for it and I was feeling so frustrated and discouraged about the whole situation, thinking how much harder and more stressful everything would be for everyone involved. I drank a bunch of water and stopped working with the labor. I laid down and tried to quiet my heart, mind, and body. And little by little, the labor finally did fizzle out. I COULDN’T BELIEVE that after weeks of LONGING for you to come, I was finally in a good labor groove and was working to STOP it! It’s impossible to say whether or not you’d have been born that night if I had stayed up and active and worked with the contractions, but I felt you would have, so I was once again SURE the next night things would pick up again and you would come!

I spent that morning with a dear friend who was moving back to the U.S. that day. Auntie Hannah and I helped her with packing and cleaning and taking care of the kids and then I helped her take a bunch of her things to another friend’s house. We spent the afternoon with our special Charis friend Amy and went for a lovely walk. I was sure with such an active day and another dose of castor oil you would come, especially after what had happened the night before! But I took the castor oil and hours passed and nothing happened. Everyone slowly headed to bed and I took Amy back to our friend’s house where she was staying. I just couldn’t believe it! I felt so discouraged and started to think you just might never ever come. I felt like I let everyone down, as silly as it sounds now. The castor oil finally did kick in, but it didn’t bring a single contraction with it. It kind of felt like my body was mocking me.

The next day Auntie Hannah suggested we go on a fun outing and just forget about the whole thing. We went and fed the giraffes and had lunch and frozen yogurt. It was a really fun day and just what I needed. I decided to give castor oil another go. I took it that evening, but again, the hours passed and nothing happened. Auntie Hannah went to bed and a midwife friend texted me around 10:30 p.m. to check on me. I told her what was going on and how discouraged I was feeling. She guessed that I was already probably really dilated from all the “practice labors” I’d been having and offered to come over in the morning to rupture my waters to put me in full-fledged labor. At that point I was willing to do anything so we planned to talk in the morning after I talked to Daddy and consulted with Susan Oshel, my Charis midwifery coach about it. After talking to Susan I realized rupturing the waters would be an unwise decision made out of selfish desperation that would put you at risk. I decided no matter how much I wanted you to be born, I wouldn’t do it. Instead we came up with a plan to have my midwife friend strip my membranes along with using the castor oil. I felt hopeful and did some chores around the house and eventually made my way up to the bedroom.

Daddy was shooting a music video in front of the house so there had been a ton of activity, loud music, and bright lights in and out of the house all night. I was still awake when everything was finally packed up and I heard the van pull out of the gate taking everyone home sometime after 2 a.m. I can honestly say at that very moment, I started having contractions. After a little while I knew things were pretty serious and asked Daddy to bring a birth ball up. He did and I told him he could just continue doing whatever he was doing. I paced up and down the room, breathing through contractions by myself for a while. There was no way I was about to sound another false alarm, but I looked at my phone at 2:58 a.m. because I wanted to start timing contractions. At exactly 3 a.m. I was in the doorway to Daddy’s office having a contraction I couldn’t talk through. When it passed I asked him to call the midwife, wake up Auntie Hannah, and tell Uncle Ray to come get the guys. I left him there and paced back to our room. In seconds Auntie Hannah was sitting quietly on the floor in my room and though things were too intense to acknowledge her presence, she brought such peace and comfort to the room. I don’t know when the guys left, but I remember asking Daddy if they were gone and he said they were and that was such a relief. I had a couple more contractions and knew you were coming fast and would be in our arms very soon. I told Daddy to call the midwife back and tell her to hurry because I was afraid she wouldn’t take his first call seriously enough. She asked a bunch of questions but I couldn’t answer any of them. All I could do was try to get through the next contraction. I realized she probably wasn’t going to make it and in the brief moments between contractions I started getting out the birth supplies and explaining to Daddy and Auntie Hannah what they were for and trying to instruct them what to do. I think they were both still unaware or in denial at that point as to what was about to happen, but I knew deep down the midwife wasn’t going to make it.

The funny thing is, it’s something I’d known in my spirit your entire pregnancy. I’d told several people, wrote about it in your journal, and talked to Daddy and Amariah about it several times. Clearly no one took me seriously. (= Daddy was so worried and after I had a contraction during which I probably squeezed his shoulder until it bruised, he asked me lay on the bed and try to slow contractions down so the midwife could get there. I told him I didn’t think I could handle a contraction laying down, but I got on the bed on my hands and knees. I had a couple contractions there and at one point started saying, "I can't do this". But then the Holy Spirit gave me such strength and encouragement and I said, “Yes I CAN do it!" I was made for this. Thank you Jesus for giving me the strength to do what I feel I can’t do.” I talked to myself and to Jesus for a while, and with that, I knew I was fully dilated. I remember saying I was going to start pushing soon and Daddy said, “No!!!” Hahahaha! But I knew from my experience with your sister’s birth that my body would start pushing you out any moment whether I was on board or not. So I decided I better get on board.

During your pregnancy I’d thought a lot about your sister’s birth and how scary it was for me and how much I hated and fought being so out of control as my body forced her out without any of my own conscious cooperation what-so-ever. The fact that the midwife wasn’t there had initially made me feel like I needed to hold back, but once I knew you were on your way out I made peace with it all and let go and let it happen. I don’t think it was a conscious shift at the time, but it was something I had already been preparing my heart for and something I know God mercifully helped me do. At some point I told Daddy and Auntie Hannah they better wash their hands. I was so in the trenches of transition and so in tuned with what was happening in my body, I have no idea how I had that logical thought. And sure enough, right around that time my body started pushing.

I was still wearing Daddy’s shorts and I cried out for someone to help me get them off. I was still on my hands and knees on the bed and I felt someone come up behind me and help me get them off (I later found out it was Auntie Hannah). I jumped off the bed and said I needed to be on the toilet. Auntie Hannah asked me if I was sure and I think I might have rudely answered her with a short, “yep.” I walked passed Daddy on the way there and he again said, “No! No! No!” and I waved him aside and said, “Stop saying that!” I had fully accepted what was happening and I needed them to as well! And they did - when I had one contraction squatting over the toilet and your head was born! All I remember was feeling relief! I felt SO much better! Auntie Hannah was on the floor in front of me and I took a couple steps forward and squatted in front of her. At some point Daddy brought his pillow and put it under me, though I don’t remember that. Auntie Hannah also told me later that she had managed to get gloves on somehow, something I also didn’t notice. I remember now that Daddy was on the phone with the midwife at that point, but it wasn’t a conscious thought at the time and I only remembered where he was and hearing them talk a couple days later when he mentioned it.

I asked Auntie Hannah if you were ok and she said you were beautiful, though later she admitted all she could see at that point was your ear! (= I reached down and felt for the cord around your neck and thankfully it wasn’t there. I tried to ease out your shoulders but I couldn’t do it before the next contraction came. I told Auntie Hannah a contraction was coming and asked her if she was ready to catch you. She said she was and I believed her. She told me later that she had been praying that God would help her and that He would help me and I know He did, because no matter what her heart and mind might have been telling her in that moment, she only emulated peace, strength, courage, and surety. I can’t think of another person in the entire world I would have rather gone through that experience with. God knew she was EXACTLY who you and I would need in that moment.

The contraction built and I roared and out you came, right into Auntie Hannah’s hands and on to the pillow. It was 3:40 a.m., just 40 minutes after I’d accepted I was in labor. Auntie Hannah told me later you were kind of tangled in your cord, which I also don’t remember. She untangled you and we all kind of just looked at you wondering what to do next! I picked you up and held you to my chest and Daddy and Auntie Hannah suggested I go to the bed. They helped me get there and propped me up with blankets and pillows. I don’t really remember what happened between then and when the midwife arrived 20 minutes later, but I was thankful to see her because your placenta hadn’t come out yet and so she cut your limp, white cord and helped me birth the placenta.

Shiloah and Mommy's rainbow nails

You were already breastfeeding like a champ and had a perfect latch from the very first time. Your 6 year old sister Amariah woke up when she heard your cry – a sound she’d been waiting for for such a long, long time! She was SO excited you had finally come! I showered and came back to our cozy bed and your 2 year old sister Adali woke up next. She was absolutely enamored with you and was very concerned when you cried. She was so sweet and sang Happy Birthday to you and just gazed at you in awe and adoration. Your amazing Auntie Hannah took lots of beautiful sweet pictures that we’ll always treasure as the midwife checked you out and we all cuddled you and got to know you. But then the adrenalin started to wear off and Auntie Hannah almost passed out poor thing! Finally that passed as we checked your blood type to see if I would need a Rhogam shot.  Your blood type is B negative, just like me, so I didn't need it.

Midwife Lucy doing the newborn exam

We all cuddled you and gazed at you and sent out messages to the family that you had arrived. Lucy left and Auntie Hannah was so amazing as she lovingly cleaned up the bathroom that looked very much like a crime scene, and started the laundry soaking. Finally we all snuggled back into bed and took a little nap before getting to start our very first official day with you this side of the womb! Every time I looked at you I just felt so much relief and thankfulness and joy. I thought of all the silly prayers I prayed, trying to convince God to bring you at the times I thought were ideal. Looking back I am so thankful and humbled by God's goodness and kindness in orchestrating every single thing exactly the way He did and I'd happily do the many uncomfortable last days and weeks of pregnancy again in order to go with His perfect plan if I had to choose now.

Adali meeting her new sister

When your five year old brother Ezriel finally woke up that morning he came straight into our room and the first thing he said was, “It’s our sweet sweet rainbow baby!” It brought me to tears as it does even now because it’s so true – you are our sweet sweet reminder of His goodness, kindness, love, and mercy; a testament to His salvation and restoration; and a symbol of a promise of so much that is still to come.

Love,
Mommy

Daddy adoring his new baby

Jannekah's sister Hannah holding Shiloah and her son Isaiah

Daddy (Martin), Amariah, and Shiloah