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About Children
Your Toddler Won’t Go to Bed
By Dr. Sears
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My
Toddler Won’t Go to Bed
My
four-year-old thinks of a hundred excuses at bedtime, from a drink
of water, to one last kiss, to boogie men in the closet. Where
should I draw the line when my toddler won’t go to bed?
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Bedtime Procrastination
Explained
Procrastinating at bedtime is a common ploy of young children. The more
children we raised, the more we observed that children do what they do in
order to meet their needs. Unless they are angry or have a distant
parent-child relationship, kids don’t use bedtime ploys deliberately to
annoy parents. There are three reasons why a toddler won’t go to bed: fear
of going to sleep, not wanting to be separated from parents, and wanting
more “quality time” with their parents. Because of changing lifestyles,
rigid bedtimes are not as common or as realistic as they used to be. Decades
ago, when most families lived in rural settings, the family got up early,
worked together most of the day, and went to bed together early in the
evening. Because today’s parents are so busy and often do not have much time
with their children during the day, children put their bid in for prime time
with mom and dad at night. The before-bed hour may be the only time during
the whole day your little one has your focused attention. Even if your
toddler won’t go to bed when you would like them to, relax and enjoy it with
them as much as you can. Unfortunately, this is difficult for parents, since
in the late evening children are tired and not the most fun to be with,
you’re tired, and you would like some couple time or time just for yourself.
Children are especially prone to procrastinate bedtimes following a family
upset, such as the arrival of a new baby, change of daycare or caregivers,
or one or both parents returning from a trip. It’s unlikely that your child
is being stubborn or disobedient. Most likely your child is just angling for
more time with you. Take this as a compliment, yet there reaches a point
when your child needs to go to bed and you need some time for yourself.
What You Can Do
Sleep is not a state you can force a child into. It must naturally overtake
the child. Here are some suggestions on creating a sleep-inducing
environment to help wind down your wide-awake child and save some evening
time for yourself.
Use an alarm clock
or stove buzzer to signal “bedtime in five minutes.” Or, use an
egg timer: “When all the sand hits the bottom, the lights must
go out.” Your child may get tired of watching the sand fall.
Begin the bedtime ritual earlier, say around 7:00 p.m.
Avoid activities such as wrestling and exciting play after this
time, which can instigate if and when your toddler won’t go to
bed.
Develop a consistent bedtime ritual, such as a warm bath, a back
rub, a soothing story, and gradually dim the lights. In fact,
one parent can gradually be dimming the lights as the other
parent is winding down the child. Whichever parent doesn’t get
the children up and going in the morning should be the one to
put the children to bed at night.
Try the back rub game. “Plant a garden” on your child’s
back using different touches for different foods that your child
selects. Gradually lighten your stroke as you smooth out the
garden.
Lie down with your child as you read the story and remain
there until she is sound asleep.
Have a continuous audio recording of your child’s
favorite bedtime stories, which can be used if you are unable to
do the full ritual that night.
If your child still procrastinates, choose bedtime stories that
you enjoy, ones you don’t mind reading over and over
again. Expect your child to plead “read it again.” Choose books
that emphasize sounds that are repetitive, rhyming, comforting,
and lulling. Make up your own stories. A story that got many of
our little bedtime procrastinators to sleep was telling them
fish stories from my boyhood past: “I caught one fish, two fish,
three fish…” Usually by twenty fish, one of them would be
asleep.
Watch a video together. On nights when you feel low on
patience, videos may be helpful to wind down the child who
fights sleep or to pacify the bedtime procrastinator. Choose a
calming video that you can enjoy together. Then you can snuggle
up together, giving your child bedtime closeness without
expending a lot of energy. Many nights when Matthew was three to
four-years-old, we snuggled together in a bean bag and he dozed
off to Lady and the Tramp.
Sometimes a toddler won’t go to bed because they are not
truly tired. Providing an hour or two of outdoor exercise
may tire him out and set him up to relax as bedtime
approaches.
The way your child goes to bed is more important than when he
goes to bed. If you are a busy family and don’t have much time
with your child during the day, a later bedtime may be more
realistic. Yet, children do better when they have consistent
bedtimes rather than sometimes staying up late and other times
being put to bed early.
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“Tuck me in, Dad”
Little minds are
in a receptive state at bedtime. Bedtime stories can reflect on the day
and neatly tuck in a little teaching. Your growing-up years can make
some great stories. Surround your child with pleasant thoughts and
admirable values as they drifts off to sleep. Do this night after night
and these bits of wisdom will be filed away in their library of
experiences. Years later these bedtime lessons will be an important
influence in his or her life. Bedtime prayers are a time-honored
tradition effective for smoothing out the wrinkles of life and for
passing on parental values and beliefs.
A word of advice: Even though their eyes are closing, children’s ears
are very keen to follow a story. A seven-year-old friend of ours
instructs his mother to “Keep reading – I can still hear you even when
I’m sleeping.”
It takes me an
hour to put our four-year-old to bed. She finally goes to sleep, but by this
time I’m too exhausted to get anything else done.
Get behind the tired eyes of your child. First, take your child’s bedtime
attachment to you as a compliment. She likes being with you and doesn’t want
to give up the delights of the day.
Consider if your child needs more attachment rituals during the day.
Children seem to recognize the benefit from a certain amount of touch time
each day in order to thrive. They learn very quickly that bedtime gives them
this opportunity. Try to give your child the attention she craves during the
day as well as when you tuck her into bed.
Your Toddler Won't Go To Bed
Printed with permission by Matt Sears
Dr. Bill and Martha Sears
Dr. Sears and his wife Martha
have eight children.
Three of their children have also become doctors:
Jim (the oldest) (one of The Doctors), Bob (second oldest), and Peter.
A fourth son, Matt, is currently studying medicine at UC Irvine.
'Behold, I will bring them from the north country, And gather them
from the ends of the earth,
Among them the blind and the lame,
The woman with child and The one who labors with child, together,
A
great throng shall return there...And My people shall be satisfied with My goodness, says the LORD.'
Jeremiah 31:8, 14
~~~
©2015 Charis Childbirth
Services, All Rights Reserved
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June 2015
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