About Babies
Ways To Soothe A
Fussy Baby
By Dr.
Sears
Babies fuss and parents comfort. That's a realistic fact of
new family life. It helps to understand what calms a baby and why.
Most calming techniques involve at least one of these four
interactions:
Rhythmic motion
Soothing sounds
Visual delights and distractions
Close physical contact and touching
Calming techniques (except visual ones) are like re-inventing the
womb that baby has been used to for nine months. Here are
baby-calming techniques that we have found worked with our own fussy
babies, and that we have been able to glean from experienced baby-calmers
in our pediatric practice. Remember that your baby has individual
needs. Try these techniques as a starting point and improvise. After
a few months, you and your baby will have a large repertoire of
fuss- busters that work.
MOTIONS THAT MELLOW
WEARING BABY IN A SLING
A baby carrier will be your most useful fuss-preventing tool.
Infant development researchers who study babycare practices in
America and other cultures are unanimous in reporting: infants who
are carried more cry less. In fact, research has shown that babies
who are carried at least three hours a day cry forty percent less
than infants who aren't carried as much. Over the years in pediatric
practice, I have listened and watched veteran baby-calmers and heard
a recurrent theme: "As long as I have my baby in my arms or on my
body she's content." This observation led us to popularize the term
"babywearing." "Wearing" means more than just picking up baby and
putting him in a carrier when he fusses. It means carrying baby many
hours a day before baby needs to fuss. This means the carrier you
choose must be easy to use and versatile. (We have found the
sling-type carrier to be the most conducive to babywearing. Baby
becomes like part of your apparel, and you can easily wear your baby
in a sling at least several hours a day.) Mothers who do this tell
us: "My baby seems to forget to fuss." The sling is not only helpful
for high-need babies it's essential. Here's why babywearing works:
The outside womb. Being nestled in the arms, against the chest, and
near the parent's face gives baby the most soothing of all
environments. Mother's walking motion "reminds" baby of the rhythm
he enjoyed while in the womb. The sling encircles and contains the
infant who would otherwise waste energy flinging his arms and legs
around, randomly attempting to settle himself. The worn baby is only
a breath away from his parent's voice, the familiar sound he has
grown to associate with feeling good. Babies settle better in this
"live" environment than they do when parked in swings or plastic
infant seats.
Sights aplenty. Being up in arms gives baby a visual advantage. He
now can have a wider view of his world. Up near adult eye level,
there are more visual attractions to distract baby from fussing. The
distressed infant can now pick from a wide array of ever—changing
scenery—select what delights him, and shut out what disturbs him.
And seen from such a secure perch, even the disturbing sights soon
become interesting rather than frightening.
The expanding mind of a growing infant is like a video library
containing thousands of tapes. These tapes record behavior patterns
that baby has learned to anticipate as either soothing or
disturbing. Babywearing mothers tell us: "As soon as I put on the
sling, my baby's face lights up with delight, and he stops fussing."
The scene of mother putting on the sling triggers a replay in baby's
mind of all the pleasant memories she's experienced in mother's
arms, and she can anticipate the pleasant interaction that is soon
to follow. She stops fussing. She's no longer bored.
SUCKING ON THE MOVE. Sometimes motion alone won't calm a frantic
baby; she needs an additional relaxation inducer. Settle baby in a
carrier and, while walking or dancing, offer baby the breast. Motion and sucking are a winning combination
that settles even the most upset baby.
Babywearing makes life easier for parents. Not only is it good for the
infant, it's good for the mother as well. The carrier gives you a
comforting tool that usually works. After baby gets used to being
worn and you get used to wearing baby, you have more options and
more mobility. You'll feel as though you've gained an extra pair of
hands, especially around the house, and you can go more places. Baby
is content, since "home" to a tiny baby is being with mom, even
though mom may be in the middle of a busy shopping center or at a
party full of adults.
A baby who fusses less is more fun to be with, and drains less
energy from the parents. Infants and parents can then direct the
energy they would have wasted on managing a fussy baby into growing
and interacting. That's why carried babies thrive—as do their
parents.
Familiarity breeds contentment. Living in a carrier keeps infants
content because it keeps them in constant contact with the familiar
sounds, touches, movements, and visual delights of the parents.
Being nestled in a familiar position is especially calming for the
baby who is easily distracted and falls apart at the first sight of
a strange person or place. The worn baby is always surrounded by
things he knows. From this secure homebase, the baby has less fear
of the unfamiliar—and adjusts without a fuss.
Proximity fosters calmness. A baby who is worn is in mother's arms
and literally right under her face. With this close proximity,
mother can teach baby to cry "better." As soon as baby gives a hint
that he is about to fuss, mother, because she is right there, can
preempt the cry and keep it from escalating into an all-out fit.
Being close to your baby helps you learn to read your baby's pre-cry
signals so that you can intervene to meet baby's needs before he has
to fuss. Baby in turn learns to be more at ease using non-crying
modes of signaling since, during babywearing, he has learned that
these signals receive an immediate nurturing response.
Babywearing and daycare. Carrie had a high- need baby who was
content as long as he was in a sling, but she had to return to work
when Evan was six-weeks-old. I wrote the following "prescription" to
give to her daycare provider:
Rx. To keep Evan content: Wear him in the babysling at least three
hours a day. -- William Sears, M.D.
How to wear your baby in a sling. Some mothers take to babywearing
like a duck takes to water; others may initially find the sling
awkward. Also, some babies at first have difficulty settling in the
sling. Perhaps they find it too confining. For the best long-term
results, get your baby used to being worn in the first week of life,
so that she soon realizes that the sling is where she belongs. It
takes some practice, but the sling will soon become your norm of
infant care. Take lessons from veteran parents who have logged many
miles wearing their babies in a sling in various carrying positions
and in many circumstances. Find one of these experts to show you how
to wear the sling so it's most comfortable for you and most settling
for baby. Keep experimenting with various positions until you find
one that works; the favorite position may change with baby's moods
and motor development. Most high-need babies prefer to be carried in
the forward-facing position.
For a busy parent of a fussy infant, a baby sling will be one of
your most indispensable infant-care items. You won't get dressed
without it.
A
Babywearing Story
"I thought for sure I would have a baby who slept through the night,
in his crib, in his room, and that he would awake only to feed and
to get his diaper changed. How naive! Jason knew what kind of
parenting he needed right from the start. He was truly a fussy baby,
and we nicknamed him "More." He screamed if I put him down even to
get dressed. He seemed to nurse constantly, and he rarely slept. As
long as he was in my arms or nestled on my husband's chest, he was
content, happy, and alert. Any deviation from that was a disaster
for everyone. A friend of mine recommended a baby sling so that I
could have my hands free to do other things and so I wouldn't feel
resentful of all the time a baby takes up. The sling was our savior!
I loved carrying him, and it allowed me to get other things done.
The sling ended the pass-the-baby-around sport that so many parents
have accepted as just the way things are. There is no way Jason
would have stood for being bounced around from person to person for
an entire day. An added benefit of the sling was that he was able to
nurse anywhere and everywhere while in the sling. We went everywhere
with him—weddings, funerals, dinners, grocery shopping, doctor's
visits and vacations. Christmas shopping with Jason in the sling was
a breeze. I can't imagine how mothers maneuver strollers through the
narrow aisles in most stores. Everywhere we went people remarked how
wonderful my baby was. I always pointed out that since my child felt
right and was getting his needs met, he really had no reason to be
upset."
DANCING WITH YOUR BABY
It's only natural that movement calms fussy babies. Their whole
uterine existence was a moving experience. Babies crave movement
after birth because to them it is the norm. Being still disconcerts
babies. They don't understand it and it frightens them. Movement
relaxes them.
Watch a room full of veteran baby calmers and you will witness a
wide variety of dance steps. Each parent has found the dance routine
that best suits the mood of both partners, adult and infant. In
fact, you can usually spot mothers of high-need babies in a
crowd—even without their babies. They are the ones who are swaying
back and forth all the time. A mother once told me that as she was
standing at a party holding a glass of ginger ale, another mother
came up and commented on the fact that she seemed to be teetering
back and forth a bit. The observer concluded, "I know you haven't
had too much to drink. You must have a baby!"
Our hobby as a couple is ballroom dancing, so this way of relaxing
our babies, and us, came naturally. Baby calming by dancing is based
on the physiologic principle called vestibular stimulation . There
are three tiny balances located behind baby's ear called the
vestibular system. These are set for three planes of movement: up
and down, back and forth, and side to side. Dance steps that use all
three of these movements stimulate the vestibular system best and
are most likely to comfort baby. If babies could choreograph their
own dance steps, the routines that contain movements in all three
planes (up, down, side-to-side, back-and-forth) would be their
favorites.
WAYS TO MAKE BABY-DANCING FUN
In baby dancing, style is as important as getting the steps right.
Here are some tips that can make dancing with your baby more
comforting and more fun.
1. Hold your partner. Cling to your little partner in whatever
position works. Try the neck nestle, warm fuzzy, colic carries,
shoulder drape, forward-facing hold, elbow rest, hip carry, or
shoulder ride. During the first three to four months be sure to
support your partner's wobbly, weighty head.
2. Choose the right
rhythm. How fast to dance? Remember, while in the womb your baby was
used to the rhythm of your pulse, usually around 60 to 70 beats per
minute. Try to rock and swing to this rhythm, approximately one beat
per second, "one and a two and a..." The volume, tempo, and type of
music may change with your baby's mood, and yours. Baby's womb
environment is actually quite loud, so don't be surprised if your
baby prefers big band sounds.
3. Choose light dancing. Select a
dance that you like, one that suits your mood and energy level, lest
the dancer wear out before the fusser. One rainy night Lauren, our
youngest, could not give herself up to sleep. Martha wracked her
brain for what to do next when inspiration came from the weather.
She started singing "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head" (from the
old movie Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid) and did a very jazzy
dance step to match the jazzy tune. Lauren soon forgot she was
resisting, relaxed into the fun, and nodded off before long. This
winning tune got replayed and danced for many a night thereafter.
Martha looked forward to it as a fun way to lull Lauren into
Dreamland.
4. Use props. To keep your arms from wearing out before
your legs, nestle baby in a sling as you dance.
5. Dinner dance.
Some babies love to breastfeed in the sling while you dance. Your
movement plus baby's sucking is a winning combination for settling
even the most upset baby. Change partners. Babies usually prefer
dancing with mother, after all, she's the dance partner baby came to
know even before birth. It's as if baby says to the mother, "I like
your style." This also explains why some fathers get frustrated when
they try to cut in, offering some relief to worn-out dancer mom.
Sometimes babies vehemently protest this change in partners, and
father hands baby back to mother saying, "You take her, I give up."
Yet many high-need babies like a change in routine and welcome dad's
different holds and steps. And don't forget to invite grandmother to
the dance. She has patient and experienced arms and can probably
show baby some pretty fancy stepping from her days as a baby dancer.
SWINGING BABY
Walk past any playground, peer into any nursery and you'll see happy
babies swinging contentedly. The regular swinging motion calms
babies. To meet the high demands of fussy babies and frantic
parents, infant-product manufacturers have introduced a variety of
baby swings to the ever-growing market of baby-soothing devices.
None of these synthetic substitutes work as well as the encircling
arms, soft breasts and warm body of a parent, all of which remind
baby of the womb. But let's face it, "wombs" wear out, and
substitute arms are sometimes necessary to save a parent's sanity,
or at least allow mother to take a shower.
Swings are particularly useful during happy hour, that stretch of
time in the late afternoon to early evening when you're busy
preparing or having dinner and babies are notoriously difficult. Try
winding up your mechanical sub in order to wind down a fussy baby.
The tick-tocking sound plus the monotonous motion will usually
settle an upset baby. Some newer swings even oscillate in a circular
motion rather than the traditional back and forth motion. It's best
to borrow a swing or try one out on your baby at the store to avoid
investing in something that your baby will shun. While some
high-need babies won't settle for less than the highest tech swing
(those that move in two planes, play lullabies, and have a plush
seat), others will calm with a simpler swing that hangs from a door
or porch frame. Some babies prefer these swings on ropes over the
mechanical ones with their rigid supports; they like to sway in a
circular motion rather than swinging from front to back. Some babies
don't like any type of swing; perhaps they get dizzy. In that case,
it's back to the human swing.
PARENT TIP
Mechanical swings are one of the most commonly recalled infant
products. Be sure to buy an JPMA-approved swing. Beware of used
swings or ones bought at second-hand stores that may not contain
proper safety harnesses.
We warn parents against overusing mechanical swings. A high-need
baby, if he doesn't reject the device outright, will tend to bond
strongly to a swing if he's put in it routinely. It's especially
important for the high-need baby to bond to people, rather things.
PARENT TIP
"My baby liked the trio of singing, slinging, and swinging. I would
wear her facing out in the sling while swinging on a playground
swing and singing to her."
FREEWAY FATHERING (or mothering!)
If you've tried several of the home-based tricks to settle baby and
none have worked, take a ride. Place baby in a carseat and drive for
at least twenty minutes, non-stop if you can. Then return home and
carry the whole package (sleeping baby in the carseat) into your
home.
I used freeway fathering at times to give Martha a much-needed baby
break. Sometimes Martha and I would take a drive together for some
couple communication time as our moving baby drifted off to sleep.
Sometimes I would bring a pillow along, so after our baby fell
asleep and we returned home, I would stretch out in the front seat
for a bit of recharging.
"During one car ride my husband and I carried on an entire
conversation to the tune of "Swing Low Sweet Chariot" so that our
baby stayed happy and we could get some important communicating
done."
STROLLING IN A CARRIAGE
For many modern mothers, wearing babies in carriers has replaced
pushing them in carriages. Certainly babies would give two thumbs up
to this improved mode of travel. While most babies settle better
when worn than when wheeled, some high-need babies like a change of
scenery and sometimes settle better in a carriage or stroller. Some
infants shun the flimsy, hard, rough-riding collapsible strollers
and prefer the old-fashioned, cushy, bouncy (expensive!) prams.
That's typical of high-need children.
Warning about babies sleeping in carriages. Carriages are designed
to soothe babies and sometimes get them to sleep, but it is not safe
to leave baby sleeping in a carriage unattended. Carriage mattresses
are too plush, and carriages often hold blankets and fuzzy toys that
may occlude baby's breathing. Many infants have been smothered while
left sleeping unattended in baby carriages.
ROLLING BABY
Kneel on the floor and drape baby tummy-down over a beach ball. Hold
baby with one hand and slightly roll the ball from side to side.
WALKING WITH BABY
One of the easiest baby—and parent—calmers is a simple walk. When
our babies were fussy and obviously needed a change of scenery, I
borrowed a motto from Knute Rockne, the famous Notre Dame football
coach: "When the going gets tough, the tough get going." I would
nestle our baby in a sling and take a long walk, each time trying to
vary the route and the attractions. We would walk past moving cars,
moving people, trees, parks, children playing, up and down hills,
around curvy paths, and oftentimes along the beach. Martha also
enjoyed the walking routine. Sometimes we began the day with a baby
walk, which seemed to start the day off better for both of us. Other
times, when our babies were going through the stage when they fussed
a lot around dinner time, we would take a walk around 5 o'clock,
which sometimes mellowed them out enough that they would reward us
by forgetting to fuss that evening. Besides calming fussy babies,
long pleasant walks are good exercise for parents.
Get outdoors! We have always believed that if our babies were going
to fuss they may as well fuss outside. Feeling housebound with a
fussy baby is a double punishment that few parents can tolerate.
This is especially true for those persistent p.m. fussers who need a
half-hour to an hour each evening to blow off steam. In that case,
they may as well have their evening blast amid a change of scenery
for you.
Taking a walk is good therapy for a mother who is struggling with
burnout . A mother who is having trouble managing her new life and
who also has a high-need baby is at risk for serious post-partum
depression or high levels of anxiety. This mother-baby pair needs to
be out of the house, walking briskly for forty-five minutes to an
hour in the morning and again after they have a nap. Mother may
worry that she's away from the house and "not getting enough done,"
but remember, "home" to a baby is where mother is, and what she is
doing is important. Walking will calm both mother and baby, and the
exercise releases endorphins in the brain that soothe emotional and
mental distress. Walking can help a new mother settle into a more
balanced and peaceful life so that she can reflect balance and peace
to her baby.
HAPPY HOUR
Many fussy or colicky babies seem to go to pieces in the late
afternoon or early evening, just when your parental reserves are
already drained. If your baby is a "p.m. fusser" around the same
time each day, play "happy hour" before baby's colic hour occurs.
Treat baby and yourself to a late afternoon nap. Upon awakening, go
into a relaxing ritual, such as a twenty-minute baby massage,
followed by a forty-minute walk carrying baby in a sling. With this
before-colic ritual, baby is conditioned at the same time each day
to expect an hour of comfort rather than an hour of pain.
COLIC CARRIES
Here are four time-tested holds for putting a tense baby in relaxed
arms:
The arm drape (also called the football hold). Rest baby's head in
the crook of your elbow; drape baby's stomach along your forearm and
grasp the diaper area firmly. Your forearm will press against baby's
tense abdomen. When baby's tense limbs dangle instead of stretch
out, baby is beginning to relax. For variety, try reversing this
position, with baby's cheek in the palm of your hand and her diaper
area in the crook of your elbow.
Colic curls. Babies who tense their tummy and arch their back often
settle in this position. Slide baby's back down your chest and
encircle your arms under his bottom. Curl baby up, facing forward
with his head and back resting against your chest. As an added gas
reliever, try pumping baby's thighs in a bicycle motion. Or, try
reversing the forward-facing position: baby's feet up against your
chest as you hold him. In this position, you can maintain eye-to-eye
contact with your baby.
The handstand (beginning around age four months). Let baby face
forward with his back up against your chest as he stands on one of
your hands. Lean slightly back to discourage baby from lunging
forward and be ready to catch the lunger with the other hand in case
he does. (You can press the other hand up against baby's abdomen if
that warm pressure seems to help.) The combination of the visual
attractions of facing forward plus the concentration needed for baby
to maintain standing often cause baby to forget to fuss. The
handstand also works well with baby resting against you
chest-to-chest and his head peering over your shoulder; there's less
chance of baby lurching forward out of your arms this way.
The neck nestle . Here's a high-touch baby calmer where dad shines.
While walking, dancing, or lying with your baby on your chest,
snuggle her head against the front of your neck and drape your chin
over her head. Then hum or sing a low-pitched melody like "Old Man
River" while swaying side to side. The vibration of your voice box
and jaw against your baby's sensitive skull can often lull the tense
baby right to sleep. Some of my most memorable moments are of
holding my babies in the neck nestle position while singing the
Sears family "Go to sleep" song: Go to sleep, go to sleep, go to
sleep my little baby. Go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep my
little girl.
For added comforting and sleep-inducing success, try the above holds
while walking or dancing with your baby. Add soothing sounds and
moving attractions, such as beaches, water running in the kitchen
sink, or moving traffic.
SOUNDS THAT SOOTHE
Along with motion, most babies are soothed by sounds, preferably
ones that remind them of the womb. The most calming sounds are
rhythmic, monotonous, low-pitched and humming in quality, with
slowly rising crescendos and decrescendos, and a sound pattern that
repeats at a rate of 60 to 70 pulses per minute. Infant product
manufacturers have capitalized on research into soothing sounds by
producing a variety of sleep-inducing sound makers that use "white
noise"—a monotonous, repetitive sound involving all the frequencies
audible to the human ear; this will lull an overloaded mind into
sleep. However, you don't need to go out and buy a special tape or
gadget to lull your baby to sleep.
SIGHTS THAT DELIGHT
A captivating image can distract some babies in the midst of a
crying fit and sidetrack others before they have a chance to howl.
Try these:
MAGIC MIRROR
This scene has pulled our babies out of many crying jags. Hold the
fussy baby in front of a mirror and let her witness her own drama.
Place her hand or barefoot against its image on the mirror surface
and watch the intrigued baby grow silent.
HAPPY FACES: spend a lot of time in face-to-face contact with your
baby, showing baby exaggerated (but pleasant) facial expressions.
Remember which facial expressions he likes and replay them later
when he fusses. High-need babies demand a lot of connecting
experiences, face-to-face and eye- to-eye contact is what they need
in order to know they are being heard and seen clearly. All this
connecting is why high-need babies grow up to be good communicators
that are sensitive to the body language and nonverbal cues of
others. They get plenty of practice.
SILLY FACE: Give baby a sudden change of face. Put on your silliest
or most dramatic facial gestures and direct them at baby. These
antics take babies by surprise, causing them (at least temporarily)
to forget why they are fussing.
MISCELLANEOUS MOVING ATTRACTIONS: Seldom do you have to buy stuff to
hush little babies. You'll be amazed what natural baby calmers are
all around your home. We've enjoyed placing our babies in front of
these natural "visual stimulators" .
TOUCHES THAT RELAX
INFANT MASSAGE High-need babies have tense muscles that need help
relaxing. Every baby needs lots of touching. High-need babies (of
course!) need more. Infant massage is an enjoyable way to touch and
soothe your infant. You can learn the art of infant massage from an
infant massage instructor (ask your local childbirth instructor if
she can recommend someone). An instructor can be especially helpful
if your baby seems to be overstimulated by touch. You can also teach
yourself using the instruction manual, Infant Massage: A Handbook
for Loving Parents by Vimala Schneider (Bantam Books, 1989). Some
very sensitive high-need babies actually pull away from being
touched because they find it threatening or over- stimulating. In
this case, a routine of careful, gentle touches can gradually
accustom this baby to being handled and will help him to eventually
enjoy touching.
THE WARM FUZZY Here's a high-touch soother where father can really
shine. Dads, lie down and drape baby skin- to-skin over your chest,
placing baby's ear over your heart. As baby senses the rhythm of
your heartbeat plus the up-and-down motion of your breathing, you
will feel the tense baby relax. His fists will uncurl and his limbs
will dangle limply over your chest. By the time baby becomes three
or four months of age, he may squirm and easily roll off your chest.
Then try letting your baby nestle against you with the top of his
head in your armpit and his tummy resting comfortably against the
side of your chest. In this position, baby's ear can still hear your
heart beat and sense your steady breathing. Pat his diapered bottom
with your free hand to reinforce the calm feeling.
NECK NESTLE . Place the baby in the snuggle position and lift him up
a bit until his head nestles into your neck and your neck and chin
drape over baby's head. You will have found one of the most
comforting and calming holding patterns. In the neck nestle dad has
a slight edge over mom. Babies hear not only through their ears but
also through the vibration of their skull bones. By placing baby's
head against your voice box, in the front of your neck, and humming
and singing to your baby, the slower, more easily felt vibrations of
the lower-pitched male voice often lull baby right to sleep. As you
rock and walk with your baby, sing a calming song such as "Old Man
River."
Another attraction to the neck nestle is that baby feels the warming
air from your nose on her scalp. (Experienced mothers have long
known that sometimes-just breathing onto baby's head or face will
calm her. They call this "magic breath.") My babies have enjoyed the
neck nestle more than any of the other holding patterns, and I have,
too. Dads, become a shareholder in the family art of babywearing.
NESTLE NURSING Undress your baby down to a diaper and lie down on
the bed together. Curl up womb-like around your baby, face-to-face,
tummy-to-tummy, and let the baby nurse. This is especially soothing
if mom's clothing allows for lots of skin contact. The natural
calming powers of touching, sucking, your breathing and heartbeat,
along with gentle strokes from your fingers will relax even the
fussiest baby and send her off into peaceful sleep. Martha calls
this hold the teddy bear snuggle.
A WARM BATH TOGETHER This one's for mother and baby. Mothers of
high-need babies have put in a lot of hours of hydrotherapy because
it works! Recline in a half-full tub, and have dad hand baby to you.
If you are alone, have baby "stand by" in an infant seat right next
to the tub until you are ready to bring her into the tub. Place baby
tummy-to-tummy against your chest and let baby breastfeed in the
water (your nipples being a couple inches above the surface). Baby
is floating a bit while nursing, which adds to the soothing effect.
Taking a bath with baby helps to relax mom as well as baby. Leave
the faucet running and the tub's drain open a bit. The drip of the
warm water not only provides a soothing sound, but also keeps the
water comfortably warm.
Getting the sleeping baby out of the tub is a bit of a challenge.
Some babies will stay asleep while they are handed off to someone
waiting with a warm, dry towel. Most high-need babies don't sleep
through handoffs, however. You may have to plan to just stay in the
tub awhile. Have some relaxing music on that you can enjoy. Or have
a book handy (this may or may not work depending on the design of
your tub). If you really don't want to stay in the tub the whole
time baby sleeps, and he doesn't hand off well to someone (or you're
alone), plan your strategy for getting both of you out of the tub
and resettled on your bed. Have the infant seat next to the tub with
the warm, dry towel draped over it. (Try having a hot water bottle
there keeping the towel warm until you're ready to place baby on the
towel.) If baby wakes up during this transfer, don't despair. Wrap
yourself up in your own big, fluffy bath sheet, pick baby up calmly
and head for your bed. Snuggle up together with as little fuss as
possible and baby may obligingly nurse back off to sleep for you.
REASONS WHY BABIES FUSS
Very simply, babies fuss for the same reasons adults fuss: they hurt
either physically or emotionally, or they need something. There is a
wide spectrum of types of crying. At the quieter end is the baby who
fusses to be picked up but is easily comforted and satisfied as long
as he is held. At the other extreme is the baby who hurts – the
inconsolably crying baby who merits the label "colicky."
FUSSES TO FIT While in the womb, the preborn baby fits perfectly
into his environment. Perhaps there will never be another home in
which he fits so harmoniously – a free-floating environment where
the temperature is constant and his nutritional needs are
automatically and predictably met. The womb environment is well
organized. These babies miss the womb.
Birth suddenly disrupts this organization. During the month
following birth, baby tries to regain his sense of organization and
fit into life outside the womb. Birth and adaptation to postnatal
life bring out the temperament of the baby, so for the first time he
must do something to have his needs met. He is forced to act, to
"behave." If hungry, cold, or startled, he cries. He must make an
effort to get the things he needs from his caregiving environment.
If his needs are simple and he can get what he wants easily, he's
labeled an "easy baby"; if he does not adapt readily, he is labeled
"difficult." He doesn't fit. Fussy babies are poor fitters, who
don't resign themselves easily to the level of care they are being
given. They need more, and they fuss to get it.
THINGS PARENTS SHOULD KNOW ABOUT BABY'S CRIES
1. An infant's cry – the perfect signal. Scientists have long
appreciated that the sound of an infant's cry has all three features
of a perfect signal.
First, a perfect signal is automatic. A newborn cries by reflex. The
infant senses a need, which triggers a sudden inspiration of air
followed by a forceful expelling of that air through vocal cords,
which vibrate to produce the sound we call a cry. In the early
months, the tiny infant does not think, "What kind of cry will get
me fed?" He just automatically cries. Also, the cry is easily
generated. Once his lungs are full of air, the infant can initiate
crying with very little effort.
Second, the cry is appropriately disturbing: ear-piercing enough to
get the caregiver's attention and make him or her try to stop the
cry, but not so disturbing as to make the listener want to avoid the
sound altogether.
Third, the cry can be modified as both the sender and the listener
learn ways to make the signal more precise. Each baby's signal is
unique. A baby's cry is a baby's language, and each baby cries
differently. Voice researchers call these unique sounds cry prints,
which are as unique for babies as their fingerprints are.
2. Responding to baby's cries is biologically correct. A mother is
biologically programmed to give a nurturant response to her
newborn's cries and not to restrain herself. Fascinating biological
changes take place in a mother's body in response to her infant's
cry. Upon hearing her baby cry, the blood flow to a mother's breasts
increases, accompanied by a biological urge to "pick up and nurse."
The act of breastfeeding itself causes a surge in prolactin , a
hormone that we feel forms the biological basis of the term
"mother's intuition." Oxytocin, the hormone that causes a mother's
milk to letdown, brings feelings of relaxation and pleasure; a
pleasant release from the tension built up by the baby's cry. These
feelings help you love your baby. Mothers, listen to the biological
cues of your body when your baby cries rather than to advisors who
tell you to turn a deaf ear. These biological happenings explain why
it's easy for those advisors to say such a thing. They are not
biologically connected to your baby. Nothing happens to their
hormones when your baby cries.
3. Ignore or respond to the cry signal? Once you appreciate the
special signal value of your baby's cry, the important thing is what
you do about it. You have two basic options, ignore or respond.
Ignoring your baby's cry is usually a lose-lose situation. A more
compliant baby gives up and stops signaling, becomes withdrawn,
eventually realizes that crying is not worthwhile, and concludes
that he is not worthwhile. The baby loses the motivation to
communicate with his parents, and the parents miss out on
opportunities to get to know their baby. Everyone loses. A baby with
a more persistent personality— most high-need babies—does not give
up so easily. Instead, he cries louder and keeps escalating his
signal, making it more and more disturbing. You could ignore this
persistent signal in several ways. You could wait it out until he
stops crying and then pick him up, so that he won't think it was his
crying that got your attention. This is actually a type of power
struggle; you teach the baby that you're in control, but you also
teach him that he has no power to communicate. This shuts down
parent-child communication, and in the long run everybody loses.
You could desensitize yourself completely so that you're not
"bothered" at all by the cry; this way you can teach baby he only
gets responded to when it's "time." This is another lose-lose
situation; baby doesn't get what he needs and parents remain stuck
in a mindset where they can't enjoy their baby's unique personality.
Or, you could pick baby up to calm him but then put him right back
down because "it's not time to feed him yet." He has to learn, after
all, to be happy "on his own." Lose-lose again; he will start to cry
again and you will feel angry. He will learn that his communication
cues, though heard, are not responded to, which can lead him to
distrust his own perceptions: "Maybe they're right. Maybe I'm not
hungry."
4. Be nurturing. Your other option is to give a prompt and nurturant
response. This is the win-win way for baby and mother to work out a
communication system that helps them both. The mother responds
promptly and sensitively so that baby will feel less frantic the
next time he needs something. The baby learns to "cry better" , in a
less disturbing way since he knows mother will come. Mother
structures baby's environment so that there is less need for him to
cry; she keeps him close to her if she knows he's tired and ready to
sleep. Mother also heightens her sensitivity to the cry so that she
gives just the right response. A quick response when baby is young
and falls apart easily or when the cry makes it clear there is real
danger; a slower response when the baby is older and begins to learn
how to settle disturbances on his own.
Responding appropriately to your baby's cry is the first and one of
the most difficult, communication challenges you will face as a
mother. You will master the system only after rehearsing thousands
of cue-responses in the early months. If you initially regard your
baby's cry as a signal to be responded to and evaluated rather than
as an unfortunate habit to be broken, you will open yourself up to
becoming an expert in your baby's signals, which will carry over
into becoming an expert on everything about your baby. Each
mother-baby signal system is unique. That's why it is so
shortsighted for "cry trainers" to prescribe canned cry-response
formulas, such as "leave her to cry for five minutes the first
night, ten minutes the second," and so on.
5. It's not your fault baby cries. Parents, take heart! If you are
responsive to your baby and try to keep him feeling secure in his
new world, you need not feel that it's your fault if your baby cries
a lot. Nor is it up to you to stop your baby's crying. Of course,
you stay open to learning new things to help your baby (like a
change in your diet or a new way of wearing baby), and you get your
doctor involved if you suspect a physical cause behind the crying.
But there will be times when you won't know why your baby is
crying—you'll wonder if baby even knows why he's crying. There may
be times when baby simply needs to cry, and you needn't feel
desperate to make him stop after trying all the usual things.
It's a fact of new parent life that although babies cry to express a
need, the style in which they do so is the result of their own
temperament. Don't take baby's cries personally. Your job is to
create a supportive environment that lessens baby's need to cry, to
offer a set of caring and relaxed arms so that baby does not need to
cry alone, and to do as much detective work as you can to figure out
why your baby is crying and how you can help. The rest is up to
baby.
"When I was confused about my mothering, I asked a seasoned calm,
impartial mother to observe how I handled my baby on a typical day
in my home. Although I know I'm the expert on my own baby, sometimes
it's hard to be objective, and a voice of experience can be
helpful."
6. What cry research tells us. Researchers Sylvia Bell and Mary
Ainsworth performed studies in the 1970's that should have put the
spoiling theory on the shelf to spoil forever. (It is interesting
that up to that time and even to this day, the infant development
writers that preached the cry-it-out advice were nearly always male.
It took female researchers to begin to set things straight.) These
researchers studied two groups of mother-infant pairs. Group 1
mothers gave a prompt and nurturant response to their infant's
cries. Group 2 mothers were more restrained in their response. They
found that children in Group 1 whose mothers had given an early and
more nurturant response were less likely to use crying as a means of
communication at one year of age. These children seemed more
securely attached to their mothers and had developed better
communicative skills, becoming less whiny and manipulative.
Up until that time parents had been led to believe that if they
picked up their baby every time she cried she would never learn to
settle herself and would become more demanding. Bell and Ainsworth's
research showed the opposite. Babies who developed a secure
attachment and had their cues responded to in a prompt and nurturing
way became less clingy and demanding. More studies were done to
shoot down the spoiling theory, showing that babies whose cries were
not promptly responded to begin to cry more, longer, and in a more
disturbing way. In one study comparing two groups of crying babies,
one group of infants received an immediate, nurturant response to
their cries, while the other group was left to cry-it-out. The
babies whose cries were sensitively attended to cried seventy
percent less. The babies in the cry-it-out group, on the other hand,
did not decrease their crying. In essence, crying research has shown
that babies whose cries were listened and responded to learned to
"cry better"; the infants who were the product of a more restrained
style of parenting learned to "cry harder." It is interesting that
the studies revealed differences not only in how the babies
communicated with the parents based on the response they got to
their cries, but there were also differences in the mothers, too.
Studies showed that mothers who gave a more restrained and less
nurturant response gradually became more insensitive to their baby's
cries, and this insensitivity carried over to other aspects of their
parent-child relationship. Research showed that leaving baby to
cry-it- out spoils the whole family.
7. Crying isn't "good for baby's lungs." One of the most ridiculous
pieces of medical folklore is the dictum: "Let baby cry, it's good
for his lungs." In the late 1970's, research showed that babies who
were left to cry had heart rates that reached worrisome levels, and
lowered oxygen levels in their blood. When these infants' cries were
soothed, their cardiovascular system rapidly returned to normal,
showing how quickly babies recognize the status of well being on a
physiologic level. When a baby's cries are not soothed, he remains
in physiologic as well as psychological distress.
The erroneous belief about the healthfulness of crying survives even
today in one of the scales of the Apgar score, a sort of test that
physicians use to rapidly assess a newborn's condition in the first
few minutes after birth. Babies get an extra two points for "crying
lustily." I remember pondering this concept back in the mid 1970's
when I was the director of a newborn nursery in a university
hospital, even before fathering a high-need baby had turned me into
an opponent of crying it out. It seemed to me that awarding points
for crying made no sense physiologically. The newborn who was in the
state of quiet alertness, breathing normally, and actually pinker
than the crying infant lost points on the Apgar score. It still
amazes me that the most intriguing of all human sounds—the infant's
cry—is still so misunderstood.
LETTING BABY "CRY-IT-OUT" YES, NO!
If only my baby could talk instead of cry I would know what she
wants," said Janet, a new mother of a fussy baby. "Your baby can
talk," we advised. "The key is for you to learn how to listen. When
you learn the special language of your baby's cry, you will be able
to respond sensitively. Here are some listening tips that will help
you discover what your baby is trying to say when he cries.
The cry is not just a sound; it's a signal – designed for the
survival of the baby and development of the parents. By not
responding to the cry, babies and parents lose. Here's why. In the
early months of life, babies cannot verbalize their needs. To fill
in the gap until the child is able to "speak our language," babies
have a unique language called "crying." Baby senses a need, such as
hunger for food or the need to be comforted when upset, and this
need triggers a sound we call a cry. Baby does not ponder in his
little mind, "It's 3:00 a.m. and I think I'll wake up mommy for a
little snack." No! That faulty reasoning is placing an adult
interpretation on a tiny infant. Also, babies do not have the mental
acuity to figure out why a parent would respond to their cries at
three in the afternoon, but not at three in the morning. The newborn
who cries is saying: "I need something; something is not right here.
Please make it right."
At the top of the list of unhelpful advice – one that every new
parent is bound to hear – is "Let your baby cry-it-out." To see how
unwise and unhelpful is this advice, let's analyze each word in this
mother-baby connection- interfering phrase.
"Let your baby." Some third-party advisor who has no biological
connection to your baby, no knowledge or investment in your baby,
and isn't even there at 3:00 a.m. when your baby cries, has the
nerve to pontificate to you how to respond to your baby's cries.
The cry is a marvelous design. Consider what might happen if the
infant didn't cry. He's hungry, but doesn't awaken ("He sleeps
through the night," brags the parent of a sleep-trained baby). He
hurts, but doesn't let anyone know. The result of this lack of
communication is known, ultimately, as "failure to thrive."
"Thriving" means not only getting bigger, but growing to your full
potential emotionally, physically, and intellectually.
"Cry…" Not only is the cry a wonderful design for babies; it is a
useful divine design for parents, especially the mother. When a
mother hears her baby cry, the blood flow to her breasts increases,
accompanied by the biological urge to "pick up and nurse" her baby.
("Nurse" means comforting, not just breastfeeding.) As an added
biological perk, the maternal hormones released when baby nurses
relax the mother, so she gives a less tense and more nurturing
response to her infant's needs. These biological changes – part of
the design of the mother-baby communication network – explain why
it's easy for someone else to advise you to let your baby cry, but
difficult for you to do. That counterproductive advice is not
biologically correct.
"It…" Consider what exactly is the "it" in "cry-it-out": an annoying
habit? Unlikely, since babies don't enjoy crying. And, contrary to
popular thought, crying is not "good for baby's lungs." That belief
is not physiologically correct. The "it" is an emotional or physical
need. Something is not right and the only way baby has of telling us
this is to cry, pleading with us to make it right. Early on,
consider baby's cry as signaling a need – communication rather than
manipulation.
Parent tip: Babies cry to communicate – not manipulate
"Out" What actually goes "out" of a baby, parents, and the
relationship when a baby is left to cry-it-out? Since the cry is a
baby's language, a communication tool, a baby has two choices if no
one listens. Either he can cry louder, harder, and produce a more
disturbing signal or he can clam up and become a "good baby"
(meaning "quiet"). If no one listens, he will become a very
discouraged baby. He'll learn the one thing you don't want him to:
that he can't communicate.
Baby loses trust in the signal value of his cry – and perhaps baby
also loses trust in the responsiveness of his caregivers. Not only
does something vital go "out" of baby, an important ingredient in
the parent- child relationship goes "out" of parents: sensitivity.
When you respond intuitively to your infant's needs, as you practice
this cue- response listening skill hundreds of times in the early
months, baby learns to cue better (the cries take on a less
disturbing and more communicative quality as baby learns to "talk
better"). On the flip side of the mother-infant communication, you
learn to read your infant's cries and respond appropriately (meaning
when to say "yes" and when to say "no," and how fast). In time you
learn the ultimate in crying sensitivity: to read baby's body
language and respond to her pre-cry signals so baby doesn't always
have to cry to communicate her needs.
What happens if you "harden your heart," view the cry as a control
rather than a communication tool and turn a deaf ear to baby's
cries? When you go against your basic biology, you desensitize
yourself to your baby's signals and your instinctive responses.
Eventually, the cry doesn't bother you. You lose trust in your
baby's signals, and you lose trust in your ability to understand
baby's primitive language. A distance develops between you and your
baby and you run the risk of becoming what pediatricians refer to as
a doctor-tell-me-what-to-do. You listen to a book instead of your
baby. So, not listening and responding sensitively to baby's cries
is a lose-lose situation: Baby loses trust in caregivers and
caregivers lose trust in their own sensitivity.
Mother loses trust in herself. To illustrate how a mother can weaken
her God- given sensitivity when she lets herself be less discerning
about parenting advice; a sensitive veteran mother recently shared
this story with us:
"I went to visit my friend who just had a baby. While we were
talking, her three-week-old started crying in another room. The baby
kept crying, harder and louder. I was getting increasingly driven to
go comfort the baby. Her baby's cries didn't bother her, but they
bothered me. My breasts almost started to leak milk! Yet, my friend
seemed oblivious to her baby's signals. Finally, I couldn't stand it
anymore and I said, 'It's okay, go attend to your baby. We can talk
later.' Matter-of-factly she replied, 'No, it's not time yet for his
feeding.' Incredulous, I asked, 'Mary, where on earth did you get
that harmful advice?' 'From a baby-training class at church,' she
proudly insisted. 'I want my baby to learn I'm in control, not
him.'"
This novice mother, wanting to do the best for her baby and
believing she was being a good mother, had allowed herself to
succumb to uncredentialed prophets of bad parenting advice and was
losing her God-given sensitivity to her baby. She was starting her
parenting career with a distance developing between her and her
baby. The pair was becoming disconnected.
WAYS TO TEACH YOUR BABY TO CRY BETTER
Here are some time-tested listening tips that can help you decode
the meaning of your baby's cries, respond nurturantly, and gradually
create a communication relationship so that baby doesn't always have
to cry to communicate:
1. View your baby's cries as a communication rather than a
manipulation tool. Think of your baby's cries as a signal to be
listened to and interpreted rather than click into a fear of
spoiling or fear of being controlled mindset.
2. Better early than late. New parents may be led to believe
that the more they delay their response to baby's cries, the less
baby will cry. While this may be true of some easy, mellow babies
(they become apathetic), infants with persistent personalities will
only cry harder and in a more disturbing way. Learn to read your
baby's pre-cry signals: anxious facial expressions, arms flailing,
excited breathing, etc. Responding to these pick-me-up signals
teaches baby that he doesn't have to cry to get attended to. Again,
forget the fear of spoiling. Studies have shown that babies whose
cries are promptly attended to actually learn to cry less as older
infants and toddlers.
3. Respond appropriately. You don't have to pick up a
seven-month-old baby as quickly as a seven-day-old baby. In the
early weeks of cue-response rehearsals, respond intuitively and
quickly to each cry. As you and your baby become better
communicators, you – and only you – will know whether a cry is a
"red alert come now" cry or one that merits a more delayed response.
Learn that magic cry-response word appropriately, which implies
balance – knowing when to say "yes" and when to say "no." In fact,
you will naturally start off as a "yes mom," then intuitively become
appropriately a "yes and no" mom. When in doubt, say "yes." It's
much easier to fix over-responding – you just back off a bit. It's
more difficult to repair the distrust that stems from
under-responding and becoming disconnected.
4. Try the Caribbean approach. A system we have developed to model
calmness to a baby is one we dubbed the Caribbean attitude: "No
problem, mon!" Imagine your seven-month-old baby playing at your
feet and you're on the phone. Baby starts to fuss and give
pick-me-up gestures. Instead of dropping the phone and anxiously
scooping up fussing baby, put on your happy face, caringly
acknowledge baby and make voice contact, "It's okay, Molly…" In this
way, your body language is reflecting, "No problem, baby; no need to
fuss." Another favorite phrase in the Caribbean is "don't worry, be
happy." By your body language, convey to your baby – be happy, not
fussy.
THE SHUTDOWN SYNDROME
Throughout our 30 years of working with parents and babies, we have
grown to appreciate the correlation between how well children thrive
(emotionally and physically) and the style of parenting they
receive.
"You're spoiling that baby!" First-time parents Linda and Norm
brought their four-month-old high-need baby, Heather, into my office
for consultation because Heather had stopped growing. Heather had
previously been a happy baby, thriving on a full dose of attachment
parenting. She was carried many hours a day in a baby sling, her
cries were given a prompt and nurturant response, she was breastfed
on cue, and she was literally in physical touch with one of her
parents most of the day. The whole family was thriving and this
style of parenting was working for them. Well-meaning friends
convinced these parents that they were spoiling their baby, that she
was manipulating them, and that Heather would grow up to be a
clingy, dependent child.
Parents lost trust. Like many first-time parents, Norm and Linda
lost confidence in what they were doing and yielded to the peer
pressure of adopting a more restrained and distant style of
parenting. They let Heather cry herself to sleep, scheduled her
feedings, and for fear of spoiling, they didn't carry her as much.
Over the next two months Heather went from being happy and
interactive to sad and withdrawn. Her weight leveled off, and she
went from the top of the growth chart to the bottom. Heather was no
longer thriving, and neither were her parents.
Baby lost trust. After two months of no growth, Heather was labeled
by her doctor "failure to thrive" and was about to undergo an
extensive medical exam. When the parents consulted me, I diagnosed
the shutdown syndrome. I explained that Heather had been thriving
because of their responsive style of parenting. Because of their
parenting, Heather had trusted that her needs would be met and her
overall physiology had been organized. In thinking they were doing
the best for their infant, these parents let themselves be persuaded
into another style of parenting. They unknowingly pulled the
attachment plug on Heather, and the connection that had caused her
to thrive was gone. A sort of baby depression resulted, and her
physiologic systems slowed down. I advised the parents to return to
their previous high-touch, attachment style of parenting—to carry
her a lot, breastfeed on cue, and respond sensitively to her cries
by day and night. Within a month Heather was again thriving.
Babies thrive when nurtured. We believe every baby has a critical
level of need for touch and nurturing in order to thrive. (Thriving
means not just getting bigger, but growing to one's potential,
physically and emotionally.) We believe that babies have the ability
to teach their parents what level of parenting they need. It's up to
the parents to listen, and it's up to professionals to support the
parents' confidence and not undermine it by advising a more distant
style of parenting, such as "let your baby cry-it-out" or "you've
got to put him down more." Only the baby knows his or her level of
need; and the parents are the ones that are best able to read their
baby's language.
Babies who are "trained" not to express their needs may appear
to be docile, compliant, or "good" babies. Yet, these babies could
be depressed babies who are shutting down the expression of their
needs. They may become children who don't speak up to get their
needs met and eventually become the highest-need adults.
Martha
and Dr. William Sears
© Copyright 2006 AskDrSears.com. All Rights Reserved. Used by
permission.
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