About Children

Parents are Asking:
Can Parents Get Separation Anxiety?

by Elizabeth Pantley

Separation anxiety isn't just a feeling kids get. Does your heart melt every time you say good bye to your child, but your child seems to be perfectly fine? Well, believe it or not, parents can suffer from separation anxiety too.   Parents Ask expert Elizabeth Pantley, author of The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution.

Q: “The first time I left my baby for a few hours I felt paralyzed with worry. I went to get my hair cut, and the entire time all I could think about was Lilly. I was so anxious to go home that I didn’t take time for her to finish styling my hair! It has gotten somewhat better, but I have still only left my baby for a few short trips. Is this normal?” ~ Mother to 9-month-old Lilly

A: Many new parents are taken by surprise by the intensity of their connection to their child. Of course, you expect love, but the passion that fuels the love for your child is much more than many people expect. The feelings that grow inside you when you hand your baby over to a sitter or when you watch your preschooler hop aboard a school bus can run the gamut from worry all the way to outright panic.

The best way to handle your separation anxiety is to first acknowledge that it is a normal aspect of parental love. Then, take the steps to be sure your child is in good care when you are apart. Finally, allow yourself times away from your child without guilt or worry.

Tips for parents who feel separation anxiety

No matter if your anxiety is slight or intense, and whether it’s short-lived or lasts for years, the following ideas can help you temper your feelings for your own peace of mind as well as your child’s benefit.

Accept that a little bit of separation anxiety is healthy.
Don’t look to eliminate all your feelings of separation anxiety. These emotions exist for very good reasons. They will guide you as you make choices about when and how to leave your child. They will help you decide if you are choosing the right caregiver and the right setting. These emotions can keep you close to your child so that you will know if something is wrong or troubling him. So, don’t wish away all your heartfelt tenderness, it is an important piece of being a loving parent.

Acknowledge that some separation a good thing for your child.
It’s likely that a part of your anxiety is based on the feeling that you can take care of your child better than anyone else can. And you know what? That’s probably true! However, even if other caregivers don’t do things exactly as you do, it’s likely that your child will adapt and accept these differences. Even more, your child’s world will be filled with people other than you, and it’s a wonderful growing experience for him to learn that different does not mean bad – just different!

Get busy!
As much as you may miss your child, this is a great opportunity to do things that are easier done without a child attached to your hip. So don’t let the hours pass by nonchalantly. And don’t spend the time absorbed in worry. Make use of the time that your child is away from you in a healthy and productive way.

 Elizabeth Pantley

Click here to visit Elizabeth's web site and peruse her full range of books and services.

Parenting educator Elizabeth Pantley is president of Better Beginnings Inc., a family resource and education company.
Pantley frequently speaks to parents in schools, hospitals, and parent groups, and her presentations are received with enthusiasm and praise.

 'Behold, I will bring them from the north country, And gather them from the ends of the earth,
 Among  them the blind and the lame, The woman with child and The one who labors with child,  together,
 A great throng shall return there...And My people shall be satisfied with My goodness, says the LORD.'
 Jeremiah 31:8, 14~~~
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July 2010