About Children

Grandma's Rule

How to Stop Yelling, Nagging, Pleading and Get Kids to Cooperate

From the book, Kid Cooperation
by Elizabeth Pantley

What Is Grandma's Rule?

In my grandma’s day, it was understood that children had certain responsibilities as members of the family. They “earned” their privileges by fulfilling their responsibilities first. The idea behind this rule is that you acknowledge something the child would like to do as the second step in a process. You define the first step as a chore, action or activity that must be done before the privilege is granted.

The benefits to this approach are threefold.
First: Your request is very specific, and thus can be understood by your child.
Second: You are acknowledging your child’s wants and needs at the same time that you are stating your wants and needs.
Third: You are approaching the issue in a way the invites your child to cooperate. Here’s how it works:

You may ________ after you __________.

You may play outside after you do the dishes.
You may watch a movie after you do your homework.

We will read a story after you put your pajamas on.
As soon as you scoop the cat litter you can play your new computer game.

An added benefit to using Grandma’s Rule is that it eliminates the need to use “fighting words.” Fighting words are those that start a battle even before the rest of the sentence is heard—words such as, You can’t, Don’t, No, and Stop!

Notice how the choice of words affects the feeling conveyed by these requests:

You can’t go outside until you finish your homework.
Yes, you can go outside just as soon as you finish your homework.

Don’t eat that cookie until after your dinner.
Yes, you can have a cookie right after dinner.

No, you can’t go to Jimmy’s house.
You can go to Jimmy’s house on Saturday, after soccer practice.

As you can see, Grandma’s rule allows you to use positive communication while being very specific about what you want. And the best thing is—it works!

 

Robert and Elizabeth Pantley with their four children.

Click here to visit Elizabeth's web site and peruse her full range of books and services.

Parenting educator Elizabeth Pantley is president of Better Beginnings Inc., a family resource and education company. Pantley frequently speaks to parents in schools, hospitals, and parent groups, and her presentations are received with enthusiasm and praise.

 'Behold, I will bring them from the north country, And gather them from the ends of the earth,
 Among  them the blind and the lame, The woman with child and The one who labors with child,  together,
 A great throng shall return there...And My people shall be satisfied with My goodness, says the LORD.'
 Jeremiah 31:8, 14~~~
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December 2009